Posted by: catsandfish | April 24, 2012

In Denial or “Why does The Man need to put me down?”

by Hannah Brown on Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 9:33am ·

So, as many of you know, my claim for disability was denied, despite the fact that I am definitely disabled, and there is no way I can work. This just pisses me off. If the government is unsatisfied with my team of doctors and their conclusions, they are supposed to send me in for tests with their doctors.That way they can look at my thin, sickly blood, my broken intestines and swollen joints. They can see me have panic attacks and review my daily diary of extremely depressed thoughts, the written records I compulsively keep of everything I do, and say, “Oh. Indeed you are disabled.” Instead, they deny me the money I really need for things like food, medical care, and rent without a second thought.


I understand that there are some messed up jerks out there who are pretending to be sick just to scam money out of the government. This pisses me off like you would not believe. Screw you guys. I would love to work. Sitting at home in intense pain isn’t fun. It is horrible, lonely, and depressing.


A lot of you may be asking “Why, Hannah? We all know how terribly ill you are; why won’t they just give you the money? What reason did they possibly give you?” Apparently I am not in “enough pain”. I can” act in my own interests”. They don’t have “enough evidence” to be sure that I am unable to move. A monthly trip to the doctor for the past 3 years, the handfuls of pills I have to take every day, not to mention my almost never leaving the house, just isn’t sufficient.


They were kind enough to say that there is no way I can do any of the work I used to do. But I should be able to find SOMETHING. I would love to be a Wal Mart greeter. Or a telemarketer. Hell, I’d even take stripper at this point. That would actually raise my self esteem, because I could contribute to society in SOME way. I am just physically unable. I would love for them to find me a job, especially in this economy. Have my own money, a sense of independence.


I can’t leave the house without someone with me. I don’t drive anymore due to medication side effects. I can’t even sit in the same position for more than a few minutes without intense pain, even on pain pills. I have short term memory loss. I have panic attacks every day, even on Xanax. I have to rest for several days if I go out for lunch somewhere. I have trouble talking to people due to anxiety. I have even had a family member (Krystal) move in so that I have someone with me to help with simple things like eating. Not exactly hiring material. Unless they have a job where I lay on a bed alone in a room, have someone bring me meals (dairy free, shellfish free, and Crohn’s compatible), and keep track of the 8+ times I need to take medications during the day, I am just not seeing myself working. Maybe the two years of being a house bound hermit should have tipped them off to that. I am not even healthy enough to visit with my family in town, and California is out of the question. I didn’t get to see my grandmother before she died. Because I am sick.


And sure, I have good days. Every once in a while I can go on a date, maybe go to the 99 cent store, or go for a short drive. Then I have a week of barely being able to stand up. A week of getting winded trying to make a pack of Top Ramen. A week of cysts bursting in my intestines every time I try to move. These are not happy times for me. There is a reason I am on enough pain meds, steroids, antibiotics, Prozac and Xanax to take down a giraffe. Not to mention supplements and vitamins to help fill in the gaps of what my body won’t absorb from food.


Yeah, so now I have to hire a big, mean, scary law firm to politely tell Uncle Sam that he’s a stingy bastard. Richard Harris Law Firm. So far they are legit. All paperwork delivered on time, polite service.


I just wish things weren’t so difficult. Not just for me, because I have people to help me. I have William and Krystal at home, a great doctor, and a great support network of family and good friends. But…what about the people out there who don’t have anyone? Especially those with social anxiety and other mental disorders. It sucks that most of those people probably give up because this process is so intense. Just the first pack of forms I had to fill out literally made me cry. It was like 50 pages. My hands went into spasms of pain just trying to fill them out. The questions were complex and terribly worded. It honestly seems like they are trying to mess with the disabled so that they can give out less money.


I already knew the system was messed up. It just sucks when it gets shoved in my face.

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