Posted by: catsandfish | August 7, 2012

The Theft of My Free Will

Chronic disease. It sucks in ways most people would never think of. 

My current pissed off thought- “What the fuck happened to my free will?”

I am forever stuck with limited choices. Daily routine. My career. What I eat. When I sleep. What I look like. What I wear. How far I can walk. If I can walk. Being able to drive. Being able to be sober and pain free at the same time. Visiting my family and friends. Every tiny thing I do. Pills, pills, pills. 

Depression. Anxiety. Having a rush of chemicals that shouldn’t be in my brain or body. Triggering fight or flight. Emotions. Burning rage. Crushing sadness. Paralyzing fear. Emptiness. Self loathing. Making me not want to get out of bed. Making me spend days not able to catch my breath, regulate my heartbeat, keep my hands from shaking.

I am so happy that I have my medication. I can go out, maybe a few times a week. I can talk to people sometimes. The pills have given me back a fraction of my stolen life. 

Still…having these problems…it’s like wearing an invisible probation ankle tracker. Don’t go too far from home, don’t do too much, eat or drink the wrong thing. I am my own probation officer. My body helps with that. Delivers punishments for my crimes. Too much walking? Now you can’t walk. Late on a pill? Now your internal infections will start to poison you. Spend a day out? Stay on the sofa for god knows how long. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to jail.

Late on a pain pill? How do you feel about torture? Stabbing pains. Throbbing pains. Aches. In every part of you. Your shoulders curling in to crush your lungs and rib cage. Try to breath. Your legs simply wont support you. Your hands and feet turn into claws, hooks. You don’t feel human, and way too human, all at the same time. Focus on a song, a poem, a memory. Try to imagine it’s heat, not pain. Go to a happy place. Lay down on the floor and clutch the carpet . Literally holding on to your sanity. Laugh. 

I guess I do have free will. The consequences for my actions are just different than most peoples’. It’s hard not to be bitter about it, but I am slowly sliding into acceptance. 

Today is a doctor appointment with a man I have never seen before. Great. Time to relay the seriousness of my situation to a complete stranger. If I am not convincing enough, my prescriptions will not be renewed and I will have to find another doctor. If I can’t get my prescriptions refilled, my tiny bit of free will shrinks. No leaving the house, maybe even the bed. 

This post is very disoriented sounding. I will leave it that way. It’s how I feel at the moment. Floating. Drifting. Trying to paddle my way into any kind of control over the situation, knowing it’s pointless. Time to go with the flow. 

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