Posted by: catsandfish | October 27, 2011

Things That Haunt My Dreams- Not For The Faint Of Heart

These are a few of my more disturbing recurring dreams. Happy Halloween Week.

I am in Vietnam trying to save a herd of children from the hell around us. I have shell shock from the bombs crashing, but there is one sound I can hear, the screams of a tortured child. I look up and he is there, the tall man thing made of pure shadow. On his back he caries a flame thrower and my herd of children run, but some are not fast enough. I see them burn, the flesh melting off of them. On top of the flame thrower in a basket sits the source of the only noise I can hear- a child of famine, so skinny, but with the bulge of it’s swollen belly sticking out, just screaming, wailing. Not understanding, but accepting. I run at him. I am not sure if I want to kill him or just save the child of famine. I burn.

I am climbing the mountain of stone. My bare hands and feet are bloody and I am cold. I reach a small landing and find the cave. They sit inside, the four of them. No eyes and no tongues, yet they see and speak. The Old Women. They sit around a fire, stitches that will never heal where their eyes and mouths used to be, their gray hair a tangled mass that falls over their bodies. In their dirty hands they hold knitting needles, and I see that they are knitting their own hair into a blanket to cover them. “She is here,” they laugh. “she has climbed all this way. What does she want?” They know what I want, I want to know everything they know. “She doesn’t even know the six.” They laugh some more, like mad women…then they come at me fast with the knitting needles. My eyes, my tongue, my belly.

I am in the forest where I grew up. It is night and I know I shouldn’t be outside. I am confused, afraid. My hair is long again and loose. The trees tear at my dress, the leaves under my bare feet are cold and slick. It must be fall. The air is cold, but I smell smoke from a wood fire, I must be near home. I hear a sick strangled growl emerge from the brush directly behind me. I know what it is. The Half Beast. I run, and it chases. It has two arms with very human hands tipped in razor sharp talons, filthy with blood and dirt. Attached by a pair of narrow muscular shoulders is it’s head, which looks very much like a cat’s skull with the eyes of a snake, solid black, but huge. two small pointed ears, small nostrils, and a lip less over sized grin of huge pointed fangs, constantly gnashing and gasping like a dying animal. Finally there is it’s body. It ends too early in a half healed tangle of intestines. It drags it’s self along with its arms, but fast, madly, because it must eat. I run. It chases.

I am in Willits, standing in the middle of Main Street under the empty Van Hotel. Something is very wrong. All the stores are closed, boarded up besides a few…there has been a war, the bomb has hit. There are bodies that no one has bothered to clean up. Worse than that, there has been poverty. Skinny stray animals and children hide in the alleys. I am wearing a peacock blue corset with matching skirt, shoes, and pillbox hat. They glitter with rhinestones and peacock feathers. I am very pleased to see my reflection as I pass the few non boarded window, all of it matches, and that seems to be very important to me for some reason. I walk down the street heading south. I see an open shop with hippie blankets for windows. I walk in and an old man is cooking something and smoking a pipe. Two other men are arguing over a broken metal statue of a dog, one of them has broken it and the other wants him to pay. I get out before they can involve me, which seems to be about to happen. There is trash and filth everywhere, and no matter how hard I try, it rubs off all over me- all over my pale hands and legs, my matching shoes and outfit. I run, angry that this place is tainting me. On the side of the road I find one of our old cars, a 1954 Lincoln Town Car, suicide doors, dark blue. The keys are inside. I get in and drive south until I see lights. The lights reflect off of the rhinestones I am wearing and suddenly I am clean and safe.

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Posted by: catsandfish | October 17, 2011

Sometimes I Want To Be A Time Lord

Well.

Here we are.

A lot has changed in the past few years.

I am no longer the crazed workaholic from the blog posts of yore. The Universe put a stop to that with my health, forcing me to pick up the paint brushes, the pen, and throw my hands back on the keyboard.

Still the same- The economy is in a burning pile of ruin. Politics still suck. People are still hateful and disgraceful and terrible. William is still wonderful. My cats are still fantastic. I still cook and keep a fish tank. We are still broke, but so is the rest of the world. My dad is still sick. My family is still crazy. Well…talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Changed- No alcohol, smoking or dairy. A million pills. I hardly leave the house due to my health. Shut in style. Channeling Emily Dickinson. I now have a sweet little pound mutt named Penny. William  is a successful businessman. Heart tattoo. I have a feeling of self worth again, proving that retail insanity didn’t totally kill it.

The transition has been hard, especially the change of identity. Going from being a self sufficient, self destructive, feminist corporate ladder climber to being a semi-bedridden Ms. Suzy Q. Homemaker has been like my life exploded and was then swept into a neat little pile and organized into cute containers.

There is still a lot of anger. My cynical bitch 13 year old self with her safety pin earring, punk/goth clothing, suicidal depression and hatred of humanity would kick my ass with her high heeled black combat boots. Then she would compliment my tattoo. Our tattoo…? Whatever

I am so damn positive now that it makes me want to vomit. Suddenly things seem to be going well and a huge part of me just can’t handle that. I am constantly waiting for the huge crashing disaster that is my old life to roll back over me. Still, I am not sure of what could possibly happen that I couldn’t handle, considering what I have been through.

I feel like I have a lot to give to society, society has a lot to give me, my physical condition just gets in the way. Still, it is good to not be a slave to Corporate America anymore. The Man can kiss my ass!

The Universe has such an odd, ironic sense of humor.

Good thing I can take a joke.

 

Posted by: catsandfish | October 14, 2011

Some Really Intense Real Talk- Don’t freak out

I am at home.

I am always at home lately.

I have a lot of time to reflect on things.

Life just totally flipped a bitch on me a while ago.

Life. You don’t even notice it. You just don’t even know it’s happening. It’s your life and it’s just there, ending one minute at a time. You’re bored. You wake up and it’s just another day. You breath, you eat, you sleep. It’s just reflex. You talk to people. You worry about your problems.

You’re working 40 hours a week, cleaning the house on the weekends, having some friends, driving around. Stuff you don’t think of. Walking the dog. Petting the cats. Getting out of a chair. Eating whatever you feel like. Drive through dinners. Morning coffee. Life. Stuff you hate. Having a dead end job. Taking out the trash. Being stuck in traffic.

You just do it, and it’s one moment to the next.

Just know that everything you know, everything you do, everything you have, even everything you are, it can be gone in a second. Vanish without a trace.

Life is just passing the time until you die. You choose how you use every second.

That big existence thing that none of us ever talk about because it scares the hell out of us to admit the fact that we have no idea what is happening or why.

It was my life.

In a lot of ways it, ended.

I almost died.

In a lot of ways, I did.

I just did what we all do, lived one moment to the next. Worked my job. Worried about my stupid shit.

Then life threw me a curve ball.

I lost a lot. Jobs. Friends. One friend in particular who decided to take his own life.

It was just gone.

I got sick.

Really sick.

Crohn’s Disease is an immune disorder that causes my immune system to attack my intestines and joints.

It sounds so simple when you say it like that.

I won’t get into extreme detail about my symptoms. They are horrible and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. I have a severe case of Crohn’s. It will suffice to say that my intestines break and leak into my abdominal cavity and blood stream. When this happens, it poisons the rest of my body. Many doctors compare it to Vietnam vets who took a blast of machine gun fire in the guts and then let it get infected. My joints are just swollen and in pain. I am aware of every movement.

You think that the little things you do everyday are not a big deal.

They are.

You don’t realize what independence means until it is gone.

Fuck the word success.

Success is everything you do, good or bad.

Success is just existing.

You think your little job doesn’t matter.

We are always supposed to be doing something bigger and better.

We are always supposed to look better.

Feel better.

Be better in every way.

You think you are not good enough.

I did.

Why?

Close your eyes and take away everything you are doing, everything you are in your life right now.

Just bring it down to rock bottom.

Erase it.

Zero your shit out.

Now build it back up again.

Everything you do, from getting out of bed until you go to sleep.

Hell, even sleeping.

Your everyday bullshit is damned amazing.

You are a fucking rock star, a super hero, incredible.

You are good enough.

You would understand that if you suddenly couldn’t do it.

It could happen to any one of us.

There are a million things that could change your entire life happening every second.

The fact that you are sitting here reading this is astounding.

Congratulations are in order.

Any second the universe can just sweep the game off the table like an angry child.

You could end up stuck in a bed every day like I was or much, much worse.

I consider myself lucky.

It’s hard to talk about what this kind of thing does to you emotionally.

Imagine being helpless, useless, not even a functioning part of society anymore.

Totally invisible to most of the world.

Anger, guilt, constant pain. A bottomless pit of depression.

Every day you have to find something little to live for.

Feeding the pets.

Morning tea.

A bubble bath.

These things become events because it is all you have.

I tried my best to not let anyone know how serious things were.

I just said I was sick.

I didn’t even let family know.

If this pissed you off or hurt you, I’m sorry.

I had to cut myself off from almost everyone so I didn’t hurt them too.

It would have been like spreading my disease.

William took care of me.

The man is a saint.

I couldn’t really leave the house.

Imagine being dependent on another human being for everything.

Imagine being responsible for everything another human being needs.

There were times I tried to leave and go to a care home.

He wouldn’t let me leave.

I went through 2 years, 6 doctors, countless blood tests, wrong diagnoses and medications before I finally found a team of doctors who correctly diagnosed me and started treating me.

Things are getting better, really, really slowly.

I feel like it is safe to let people know more now.

I feel like I can tell people without hurting them.

I still can’t do a lot of basic things. I still have to keep an insane diet. I have to read every food label.

The medication is insane and has terrible side effects, but it is a hell of a lot better than being almost bedridden.

I still hurt constantly.

Most of the time it is just a dull all over ache.

Sometimes it makes me hit the floor.

I still can’t really go out.

I have to take about 15-20 pills a day to function at all.

Steroids, antibiotics, anti depressants, pain pills, sleeping pills.

By function, I mean eat, sleep, and move.

I have had to accept the fact that this isn’t going away.

I have had to apply for disability.

That was hard.

Admitting that this was in fact real, and not a really long bad dream.

The government makes you put it down on paper.

I had to fill out forms.

One form was explaining what my life was like before I was sick.

Another was explaining what I can do now.

All in extreme detail.

Everything you do, from getting out of bed until you go to sleep.

So there it was in black and white, staring me in the face.

Life.

My Life.

My past.

My present.

My future.

Here it is, ending one minute at a time.

You choose how you use every second.

When I was sick I turned into nothing.

The walking dead.

It was like walking in a snow storm.

Your mind has to shut off and your body just keeps going or you will die.

You just keep living.

Now I have to restart.

Feeling and thinking and doing things again.

Start from scratch.

I am undead.

Reborn.

I have this incredible opportunity to rebuild.

There is a lot of good material to work with- my relationship with William, my amazing family and friends. The strength it took to get through what happened.

I am so damn happy about it I disgust myself.

I enjoy the sunrise, birds singing, fresh air.

Everything I eat is exciting.

Every conversation is meaningful.

I am sure I am annoying as hell.

It is like I just landed on this planet and everything is new and exciting.

At this point in my life, being able to stand long enough to cook a simple meal is a victory.

I am so grateful for little things, like being able to go to the store once in a while, see people, play with my pets.

Being able to take my dog out to shit makes me ecstatically happy.

Now that I realize it, my life is amazing.

And your life is too.

Let yourself enjoy things.

Especially little things. Food. Relationships. Just sitting by yourself thinking.

Be grateful for what you have, no matter what it is.

If you don’t like it, there’s no reason you can’t just zero out your shit and start over.

Be happy with who you are and all the amazing shit that you have accomplished.

Every day when you get out of bed, every day you decide to get back up and keep going is incredible.

Life is crazy.

But it’s our’s.

Posted by: catsandfish | October 14, 2011

Back in Black!

It has been literally years since I worked on this site! I actually completely forgot I had it. Time to restart it!

Posted by: catsandfish | March 27, 2009

Full Leg Sprain

I went to the doctor yesterday to get my ankle checked out. I had to go to the store’s doctor if I wanted them to pay for it, so I drove to this weird industrial area of town out in the middle of nowhere and found Concentra Medical Center. I had to fill out ten pages of paper work; my medical history, descriptions of my injury and how it felt, how I injured myself, there was even a drawing of a human where I had to circle the injured parts of my body. I turned in the forms and sat in the waiting room with all the other injured people for about an hour. Finally my name was called and I walked back to the exam room. A friendly nurse with a very thick Indian accent took my temperature and blood pressure and told me to, “Remove your pants, do not remove your underwears, and please put on these shorts.” The shorts were some plasticy blue fabric and looked like a clown would own them. I considered asking to keep them but decided against it. I put on the hilarious shorts and waited for the doctor. The room was pretty cold and the exam bed was high off the floor so my feet dangled off like a little kid’s. After about five minutes my doctor came in. His name was Dr. Nick (if you watch The Simpsons you understand why this is funny. I had to say “Hi Dr. Nick!” but I don’t think he got the reference) and like the nurse he had a very thick Indian accent. He asked me all the same questions that had been on the forms then poked and prodded my ankles and knee while mumbling things like, “Very bad” and “Discoloration here and here” like he had a tape recorder. Then he said, “Get up, show me how you walk.” I took about four steps around the exam room and he says, “Ah, you cannot. Please sit down.” He then sent me to get X-rays done on both my feet and my knee. I had never had an X-ray so that was pretty interesting. I got to see all the tiny bones in my feet. Nothing was broken and no tendons were damaged. I got to put my pants back on while I waited for the final diagnosis. The nurse came back with a pair of crutches and an air cast for my ankle. Dr. Nick came in right after her and told me I have an incredible tolerance for pain; I have a full leg sprain, I need to be sitting or laying down 90% of the time, and I would need to come back for physical therapy. The crutches are only for when I’m in severe pain, but I have to wear the air cast all the time. I am going to drive to my work in a little while to give them the paper work and buy cat food, then I have to figure out what to do while I sit around. I guess find an interesting book.cat1

Posted by: catsandfish | March 25, 2009

Sunshine Cafe

I was in a terrible mood when I woke up today. My ankle is swollen and bruised from moving a bunch of heavy cat litter and fish tank stands at work Sunday night. (The floor cleaning crew was coming, so everything movable had to be off the floor in just a few hours. For some reason they pushed a lot of that job on me. Maybe they want me to quit?) I also had to stay at work until 5 a.m. to supervise the floor crew. I spent Monday in bed unable to move my knee and ankles and hoping I would not be disabled for life, then I had to go in to work yesterday. By the end of the day my right ankle was two times the size of my left and slightly purple. I called my mom this morning to see what I should do. (she used to be a geriatric care giver and always knows what to do with minor injuries) She told me to take some pain killer, get an ankle brace and keep it elevated as much as possible. Not the answer I wanted to hear since I have to work the rest of the week, but my boss will have to deal with it, since it’s his fault in the first place. So then I was in a very bad mood and also very hungry. (Monday was my grocery store day, so I had no food in the house) I left to the pharmacy, intending to drive through some fast food place for breakfast when I remembered a little cafe I’d seen about a week ago called “The Sunshine Cafe”. I thought about it and decided to try it out. I’m so glad that I did. It’s a hole in the wall in an ancient strip mall with two churches with weird cult sounding names, a barber shop and a dry cleaning place. (the whole place looks run down and like it might crumble in the next strong wind) It was fantastic. Their sign was surrounded with little shiny disks that moved in the wind and had a huge smiling retro cartoon sun logo. As I walked inside I smelled hot coffee, eggs, toast and some sweet dessert (pie?) they were baking for the lunch crowd. The seats were slightly torn bright orange and yellow vinyl booths with matching flowers on the wire lamp shades. The crowd  was mostly couples and old men all 70 or 80 years old, aside from a biker gang of guys in their 50’s, who were enthusiastically debating which Broadway show was the best, and if Broadway was better than ballet. There was not a cell phone, fancy coffee drink or laptop computer in sight. A sweet old waitress with a perfect curly hairstyle told me I could sit any place I liked, so I picked a booth, ordered a spinach omelet, hash browns, an English muffin and coffee and listened to the old couple behind me talk about seeing The Andrews Sisters on their fourth date. I cleaned my plate (the food was delicious) and left feeling like the sun was indeed shining a little brighter.

Posted by: catsandfish | March 18, 2009

CATS AND FISH IN VEGAS!

We did it! We packed up all our stuff, rented a U-Haul, put the cats in their carriers and drove out of L.A. I had to give up my fish, but I know Eddy will take good care of them. Now I can get a bigger tank and Glofish (genetically modified Zebra Danios that are as Neon as the Vegas Strip and illegal in California) Some things are the same; my job still sucks, I still get no sleep, I still worry about everything too much and I’m still way too busy. A few things have changed; I paint again, we eat much better food when we have time to cook it, we live in a cheaper, much nicer place, and I can breath the air here without feeling like I’m inhaling everyone’s exhaust. The views of the mountains are also fantastic. I didn’t think there would be flowers here, but they are everywhere. We’ve been too busy to go to any shows or anything like that, but I have bought new dishes, a fun green dress, a floppy black sun hat, some great books and wine glasses  from the 1950’s and a new computer desk. Things are much better here, but I am still going to look for a new job. I need to stop typing for now. I am going to make William a nice dinner, (he’s been working 60 hours a week and deserves it) and need to clean up my fantastic new kitchen a little bit.

welcome_sign

Posted by: catsandfish | November 5, 2008

OBAMA!!!!!

OBAMA WINS!!! THANK YOU AMERICA!

I VOTED. I WAITED IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR TO VOTE AGAINST PROP 8, FOR PROP 2, AND FOR OBAMA.

THE RESULTS ON ALL THE PROPS ARE NOT IN YET. I REALLY HOPE THINGS WILL GO WELL.  

Posted by: catsandfish | November 2, 2008

Rain On My Parade

I just got off work.  It rained some last night and this morning. I went to work at 6 am, woke up at 5 am. Took a bubble bath the night before. I have been taking photos everywhere I go. I will post some eventually.

We stayed at home for Halloween. A few people came over. I worked until 8pm. No costume carnival.

There is a terrible dissatisfaction I feel working where I work. I want to be doing something meaningful, not being a corporate slave. I am sick of only having enough time to go to work, eat, sleep, and do a few small things. I don’t even feel like I have access to the creative part of my brain when I’m constantly working.  I also really hate most of the people. Most of them are bitter and ignorant. Others just have a cloud of general anger or sadness. I know it’s somewhat because no one has any money right now; but I grew up broke and being bummed or angry at random retail employees doesn’t change the fact that you’re broke. You should instead try to keep your chin up, have hope, and try to make the world a better, nicer place for everyone. There are a few people who make the day better: the lady who wears recycled clothes, has about 20 senior rescue cats and brought me a “No On Prop 8” sign, the little kids who want to be Vets, all the kitten rescue people, some of my co-workers, William…the rest are pretty much terrible. The way I see people treat other people and defenseless animals makes me fear for the future of the human race. I wish I could change things.

I really try to stay optimistic, but it’s hard. I would really love to paint or write, (really write, not this online bullshit) but I have no inspiration. I want to write something that highlights the ridiculous nature of humans; I hate the way we value possessions over peace, opinion and religion over basic human nature and human rights, and work over physical and mental health. I especially hate the repression of basic human instinct, but there’s a lot more wrong with us than that. It hurts me on a deep level to be part of the human race sometimes, but I guess that the sins of the world should weigh on everyone’s mind a little bit.

I have work until tuesday, then I have to VOTE!!!

Posted by: catsandfish | October 24, 2008

So…What’s Up With All These Bastards Lately? Rum & Coke Time!

I just got off work an hour ago.

I bought the Betta. He’s so friggin’ cool! He is orange and blue. I named him Halloween. Speaking of Halloween, I work 10-6pm

*freaking sweet*

I didn’t even have to ask for it off. Now William and I can go to Costume Carnival in West Hollywood. (I will post pics)

Dude…there was this Evil Old Woman today at work. She yelled in my face and made Sierra cry in anger. I wanted to kick her ass in the parking lot. She was so angry because she was trying to return something we don’t even sell…and probably because she takes too much prescription medication and can’t get laid. She was there for over an hour after I got back from lunch. There was this FABU gay Asian boy couple that started making fun of the Evil Old Woman right in front of her, saying things like, “I should slap that Bitch!” and “I’m sorry about HER!” they even came back after eating at in and out burger to make sure she was gone. They kept calling her the scandalous bitch. Other people were also great. Everybody made her look like a Jackass. We all had a good time after closing making fun of every detail about her.

I almost died a million times on the way home. I am sick of LA traffic. Other things are horrible. The economy has “imploded” according to CNN. That would explain bags of cat food going up $5 a bag in a few months and more and more people paying in change. I don’t agree with many aspects of modern politics…for example the fact that women are barely involved even though we are the majority in the U.S. and on the planet…but I really hope that Americans will care enough to not vote for Mcain/Palin. I mean…come on, the crazy post traumatic stress disorder old man is an inch from death and then we’ll have Caribou Barbi as president…do you guys know what the world would think of her? Especially all the sexist bastard nations? Holy crap. She’s a 2nd place beauty contest girl! They don’t let their women show their faces or have Clitorises! Does anyone think they could possibly respect a bimbo like that? I support powerful, wonderful women being in upper politics, but Palin just seems to like being horrible. Making rape victims buy their own rape kits and telling them they can’t have abortions if they get knocked up from the greatest psychological trauma of their lives?…you know who could say all this better…

Canada seems really nice besides the super cold winter. I can rock a turtle neck and snow boots…and what about all the other interesting countries?

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